The Night I Met Taylor Swift

[Ed. Note: This was written Dec. 12, 2010.]

Dec. 11, 2010 I saw the girl of my dreams, or so I thought. It also was the night I became less of a man.

It was Saturday night and I sat in a dimly-lit Tailgators bar, having a beer and hanging out with my brother and a group of guys. It was nice to unwind and relax and forget about work and all the stress.

I just ordered another Dos Equis when a blonde beauty walked to the bar and ordered a beer. Intrigued, I glanced again, then again; she was gorgeous.

On the third glance I had a sudden realization, it was Taylor Swift – or at least a girl that looked EXACTLY like her. I was star struck, smitten. I was frozen and couldn't stop staring – a total stage 5 creeper.

I looked at my brother only to notice that his eyes were fixed on her, too.

"Holy shit, dude, is that Taylor Swift?"

Suddenly my mind flooded with thoughts of I have to go talk to her.

What would I say to Taylor Swift? Am I sure that's her? There's no way she'd be here in a bar in The Woodlands. What if that is her and I don't talk to her, I'd hate myself forever. Even if it's not her, this girl is a Taylor Swift look-a-like, go talk to her, Matt. How exactly do I approach a Taylor Swift look-a-like? Do I just go up and say, "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look EXACTLY like Taylor Swift?" No, can't do that, it needs to be something more original. What exactly is original? What if I went up and started singing a Taylor Swift song? Which song would I choose? I wonder if she's noticed I've been staring in her direction intently the past 10 minutes. Stop staring. Drink your beer. You're probably just drunk and imagining things. How could I be imagining things if Ethan saw her, too? Why am I still here as she's standing alone near the bar. Wait, there's her friend. OK, perfect, go, leave your seat, now. Why are your legs not moving? Now, go! 1, 2, 3 GO! OK, one more beer and then mission is a go.

It didn't help that word spread at the table that I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan. All of a sudden all the guys were egging me on to go talk to her.

"This is your chance, go for it! C'mon, don't be a pussy."

But I was too sober still, and my I was mentally psyching myself out. Another beer and sure thing! One beer turned to two, two beers turned into a shot, a shot turned into another beer. Oh no, where did Taylor/Taylor's twin go?

Intently scan the bar to find her.

There she is by the Golden Tee with a group of friends. Who's that guy talking to her? Back off, bitch, not tonight.

Insert another 5 minutes of staring intently. Still a stage 5 creeper.

One more beer, a few more times being called a pussy and I'm out of my chair and approaching this Taylor look-a-like. Heart racing, mind filling with unwanted, confidence-breaking thoughts...starting to feel light-headed.

Abort mission. Start playing Golden Tee next to her, just to regroup. Ethan approaches the Golden Tee and hits a few shots. Make a sarcastic (and inappropriate joke) loud enough where hopefully she'll hear you.

Fail.

OK, I can't do this. What am I thinking. I'm just some guy in the bar who's broken the three-second approach rule by at least 1,803 seconds. Not exactly a confidence booster. Where did my confidence go? Hello, confidence? I could use just a quick shot of you right now since the many Dos Equis and Jagerbomb are not helping whatsoever.

A guy in a blue shirt and shaved head approaches her group and for some reason feels the need to start a conversation with me.

First off, who the hell are you, dude? I'm really not that interested in what you have to say. Second off, can you get your friend's attention so I can attempt to talk to her?

Note: At this point had she actually turned around or looked at me, I'm fairly certain that my confidence was at such a low that I would have mumbled something had my mouth been able to make any sort of noise at all.

Two things happened next. One, Taylor Swift's twin pulled out a cigarette. Kinda gross, but OK, we can get past that. Two, she kisses douche in blue.

Game over. Dreams crushed. My confidence is now in the negatives. It was a long 12-step walk back to the table where Ethan and the group of guys gave me looks of shame and heckled me for the rest of the night.

A day later looking back on that night I realize I am now less of a man. I feel like God put that as a test for me to see how I would respond if I ever were to ever to see the real Taylor Swift in person. I failed with flying colors; straight atomic bomb on everything I thought I knew about myself. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover.


But if the real Taylor Swift and I ever do meet, at least I know what to say.

"mdsmflkasj."