A River Mishap: Beat, Battered & Bruised

Note: This event took place four, maybe five years ago.

It used to be every year my dad, brother, step mom and I would go down to the Frio River in Leakey, Texas (down in the Hill County; it's beautiful down there) and float the river for 3-4 days. One year my dad, brother, a family friend – Joey – and I decided that we were going to go float the more "rough, fast-paced" part of the river, which turned out to be pretty awesome. But we ran into a few adventures along the way.

We always take an ice chest when we go to store lunch, beer, water, etc. etc. Well Dad usually ties it to his tube when we float (the ice chest sits in another tube). Well on Concan, the crazy stretch, it moves really fast with lots of rapids and having an ice chest isn't the best idea. Well first off we're maybe 30 minutes into the float enjoying ourselves when Dad hits a rock, flips his tube and he bashes his head during the flip. So he's bleeding a bit, nothing too severe, and we keep floating. It was funny at first cause I saw the whole thing and seeing Dad do a complete back flip out of his tube was pretty funny.

We're floating down a little more and hit some rapids. Well I get thrown out of the current and head straight for some trees and it's either try to push off the trees in my tube or get stuck. I missed the push with my legs and get caught up in this little tree area with the water running pretty quick. I realize I can't hold myself up in the water cause of how fast it's running. I'm trying to hold on to my tube and get it into a position where I can throw myself back in it and float down the river. I realize that the water is starting to push my swimsuit down and if I lift my legs at all I'm going to lose my suit, but then again I'll have my tube. So I'm in a bit of a pickle, ulitmately decide to let my tube go. Well the water sweeps me off my feet and I grab on to two tree branches, holding on to one with my left hand and one with my right, and I'm pretty much holding on for dear life on top of the water. Now the water has pushed my swimsuit past my hips and it's starting to work its way down my legs. If I held on too much longer, it's gone, and probably for good. Freaking out, I let go of each branch and fly down the river, hoping, praying that I'm not going to run into a huge rock or something under the water.

I only hit just a few minor rocks and scrape my chins up a bit, nothing big, but still kind of painful. By the time I get to where the water slows down, Joey is holding my tube, Dad is laughing, and Ethan was one of the first to go down the rapids so he didn't really have any idea of what happened. And what's funny is that as I was trying to decide between my tube and my suit, Dad came down the rapids and kind of grinded the tree I was holding on to, but didn't get caught like I did.

Well I get down there and Dad is laughing his ass off. I fill both Ethan and Joey in and they get a good laugh. So we grab a quick lunch, make sure we are all OK and all the tubes are accounted for and head off again.

We float about an hour before the next mishap. Again, we're approaching some rapids, me and my brother are floating near each other, and I brace myself this time; I'm going to be extra careful.

Well there's a rock that separates this little waterfall. The waterfall maybe drops two feet, but because of the rock the water is gushing on through. And there's a little narrow passageway that only one tube can fit through at a time; Ethan and I didn't know that.  Because the current started moving faster in the rapids, our tubes hit and we started to enter the little passageway at the same time. Luckily, at least for me, I was in the position to go first, so as I go down, Ethan's tube hits mine, he flies out up on the rock and his tube goes shooting through the rapids and down the waterfall.

Picture that for a second. A, what was he, 12-, 13-year-old kid stuck on a rock in the middle of a river in some rapids with no tube and no way to get down. And the water in front of the rapids is moving way too fast to get close enough to throw his tube back at him.

I had to jump out of my tube cause I was laughing so hard. That is the hardest I have ever laughed in my life. I had tears streaming down my face, I don't think I've cried like that even when I was sad.

He was freaking out, of course. And Dad had passed him on the rapids going down. I think he wanted Ethan to jump on him and his tube as he went down but the water shot him away too fast.

Dad comes down to me asks me to hold his tube as he goes back to save Ethan. He tries to talk Ethan into just jumping off the rock and into the water and Dad will catch him right away. Ethan, being freaked out and terrified is like, No way! But he eventually does.

They come down to where Joey and I are waiting and Ethan is a little shaken up, and I, like an asshole of a brother, am still laughing hysterically about the whole thing. Dad would later tell us that he had no idea how he planned to get Ethan off the rock if he wouldn't jump in the water.

So, once again, we recoup and float on. At this point we are in the last leg of the float, the sun is going down and we're all pretty worn out ready to get back to the cabin.

But the river gets one last laugh, her revenge on me for leaving Ethan on the rock.

We go down maybe 200 yards and I'm floating with my back turned down river. Joey, at this point, is way ahead of us, almost out of sight. But that was nothing new, he'd been with us and then floating out doing his own thing all day.

I'm floating in front, Dad and Ethan are casually behind and we're all talking – probably about the events that have happened throughout the day – when I start to hear more gushing water, like more rapids. I look behind me and there's nothing there except for people playing on the shore, other river floaters, but no rapids.

I turn back around and we keep talking but I continue to hear it, and I know I'm not crazy cause when I turn back around I hear it, but once again, nothing.

Finally it's getting louder, I ignore it at first cause based on my last few turnarounds, there's been nothing. But it keeps getting louder, the water seems to be moving faster, and I turn around and I'm at the top of a 15-foot hidden waterfall about to make the drop.

I freak.

There's a tree hanging overhead and I make a split-second decision to jump out of my tube and try my luck jumping in the tree – in hindsight, probably not the best decision.

I reach for where I think the branch might be, only to miss and end up getting slapped in the face by much smaller branches, and I still end up making the plunge down the waterfall, only this time with scratches on my face and the pain of getting slapped.

I come out of the water a bit stunned, try to figure out where I am, where my tube is, when here comes Ethan making his plunge down the fall – he, luckily, saw what happened to me and braced himself for the fall. I duck, as he falls and floats by, and realize my tube is stuck under the waterfall getting pushed down by the falling water and getting sucked in by the undertow. So I struggle to get it dislodged and get back on with the float. I don't remember if Dad had made the fall as I was working to get my tube unstuck, but when I finally did and floated down he, Ethan and Joey were there waiting for me.

Right after the waterfall was the pick-up point and the end of the leg. I couldn't have been happier to see it.

As we sat in the back of the truck that would take us back to our cabin, looping between the hills as the sun fell behind, I realized I just had the most stressful day on the river and I was pretty beat up, but it was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

And what's probably the most odd thing about the entire day, Joey didn't biff it once. Through all the rapids and waterfalls, he never flipped and landed every trip down the falls.

Obviously Mother Nature didn't have any beef with him that day. For the rest of us, we were pretty beat, battered and bruised.

In A Nutshell

I mentioned that this blog is going to include a lot of features of people doing great things with great stories, with my occasional banter.

Well before we get there, I figured I should at least give you a little insight of who I am. Not for any selfish reasons, just to make myself more human rather than just an anonymous blogger behind a computer screen.

So this is a glimpse of me, Matt Keyser, on who I am and things I've picked up on over the years.


I used to be a shy, conservative guy. Then I lived with some Marine buddies for a year. They changed my whole outlook on life.

Jagermeister is never your friend.

A good journalist can be judged on the type of alcohol he drinks and how often he drinks it.

I once stopped in the middle of the road to prevent hitting a bird. It repaid me by flying over my car and shitting on my windshield. I should have just hit the damned thing.

Step out of your comfort zone as much as possible, it's the only way you're going to grow.

Obey the rules of Shotgun, they're there for a reason. The same with Man Law.

Chivalry isn't dead, ladies. It's just guys willing to still be chivalrous are a rare breed.

When saying goodbye to someone, especially someone close to you, don't rush to get away. Take the time to say a proper goodbye. You never know, it could be the last time you ever see them.

To find the truth of who a man really is, buy him a few drinks.

I'm not going to take you to the hospital because you aren't going to learn anything.

Confidence is the key to being successful; cockiness is the downfall. The line must be treaded very carefully.

If I wasn't a journalist, I don't know what I would be doing. I'd probably be cleaning porta potties. And you'd better believe those would be the cleanest porta potty seats anyone had ever pissed on.

I find humor in everyday life, especially in my fuck-ups. If it wasn't for laughter, I would have had a stress-induced heart attack by now.

It's cliché as hell, but don't stress the things you have no control over. I live my life by that.

If you have to question it, you probably shouldn't order that next drink.

Cherish the nights with good friends. Before you know it life happens and things are never quite the same.

Having said that, picking back up with your best friend should be like there was never a time gap at all.

Try everything once. Except Herpes.

The best way to shut up preachy vegetarians is to ask if they give blowjobs.

I was once kicked out of Coyote Ugly in Austin. I don't remember why exactly, but it's something that everyone should experience at least once.

I once had a calf when I was five. I never really got to know her, and when I was older I got a check cause she was sold. Now, every time I bite into a hamburger, I can't help but wonder if it's my calf.

You haven't lived until you've gone streaking at least once. There's something so freeing about it all.

The first time I ever bet on a horse race was at Churchill Downs, where the Kentucky Derby is run. I didn't know anything about horse racing or betting but I chose a random horse and ended up winning $32. I had to dig my ticket out of the trashcan because my horse was in last place when I stopped watching.

Having sex on a table in a park might be frowned upon, but it should be one everyone's bucket list.

In fact, if you're living without a bucket list, you obviously aren't living.

I know I'll have found my true love when I can honestly tell myself I won't leave her for Taylor Swift.

When the zombie apocalypse finally strikes, I will join the masses to kill zombies. And when trying to determine if a person is a zombie or not, I'm going to kick him right in the balls. If he's unaffected, he's a zombie. If he falls to the ground in pain, well, he is probably an asshole anyway.

My Talking House

I was in second grade when I wrote my first short story. It was a project assigned by my teacher, Mrs. Mayhall. She had everyone write and illustrate a story and read it to the class.

I don't remember much about the process or how I came up with the idea, but it was about a talking house, and I think I vaguely remember the tooth fairy having something to do with the story. (I was in second grade, don't just me based on the stories I wrote.) But all that is a bit irrelevant at this point.

What I remember most is finishing the story and running downstairs to my mom's bathroom for her to read my masterpiece. I was sure that it was one of the best things a second grader had ever written. And as Mom read my words, my brain filled with other story ideas that would lead to my great next work. I even considered a sequel to my talking house story.

I look back on that moment as one of the first times in my life I can remember being that excited about something – and a school project at that. But it's also a moment I think back on as a time when my first calling as a writer came. I was too young to notice it then – being just seven, maybe eight years old – but now I can say that moment was when the idea was planted in the depths of subconscious, slowly biding its time until I was old enough and ready to pursue a future as a writer.

Now, I'm blessed enough to do it as a living, and to have an actual employer pay me to put words on a page for people to read. My seven-year-old self would think I was crazy and run off to play on the monkey bars if I could visit him now.

Which leads me to this. I created this blog to not just help elevate my writing to the next level, but also because I believe that us writers have the power to change lives, to change the world, and to make an all-around difference.

Sure there are those who abuse that power, it's an ongoing battle of good vs. evil, but as it's been said, "the bad writers have a way of being weeded out."

I want this blog to be more than just about me – Matt Keyser, writer – but about the billions of people that populate the earth. I want to tell their stories so that you, the reader, can maybe learn something about yourself, your life or the world around you.

With that, I want to invite you to enter a new threshold, into a world of words and truth. Pain and tears. Happiness and triumph.

Strap in. It's going to be one helluva journey.